Defiant And Rebellious Behavior in Toddlers: Causes And Tips to Deal With it

Defiant behavior in toddlers refers to their resistance or refusal to comply with parents or caregivers. This behavior often includes disobedience, arguing, and tantrums. Sometimes, they may ignore, or try to go against parental wishes. Toddlers defy by saying ‘no’ and they try to control you by not doing things as expected. Additionally, defiant behavior involves fussiness and a desire to do things their way.

Research studies have confirmed that defiant behavior along with rebellious attitude is common between ages of 2 to 5 years. Later on, the problems decline as toddlers grow older and learn better ways to assert their opinions and regulate emotional impulses (1).

Signs of Defiant And Rebellious Behavior in Toddlers

Defiance in toddlers is common and shows up in various forms. Some of the typical signs include-

• Refuses to follow instructions, rules
• Backtalk
• Temper tantrums and meltdowns
• Persistently resist requests from parents
• Tries to follow their way with no fear of consequences
• Being stubborn
• Struggles to follow daily routines

Reasons Behind Defiant Behavior in Toddlers

Between the age 2 and 4 years, your tiny tot realizes that they are independent humans. From this comes the need to assert their ideas, opinions, and choices openly. Thus, they defy, oppose, and rebel against all sorts of parental control.

Moreover, they may even try to exert opinions by ignoring, refusing, and disregarding parent’s requests. Some of the most probable reasons behind defiance include the following ones –

1. Self-aware

A sense of independence operates in toddlerhood. They no longer like parental control and desire autonomy. Defiance occurs while they try to test their limitations.

2. Communication Difficulties

Toddlers’ curiosity leads them to explore new things, but parental resistance triggers defiance. Moreover, limited verbal skills worsen communication. Consequently, they resist listening and prefer being stubborn and rebellious.

3. Poor Emotional Regulation

Toddlers are still learning how to control their impulsive reactions. Thus, defiance and rebellious actions are an outcome of their frustration and anger that they do not know how to manage (2).

4. Changes in Daily Routine

Sometimes changes in daily routine can trigger defiance. They may find these changes uncomfortable and threatening to their sense of freedom.

5. Temperament

Some toddlers may show more defiance than others due to their temperamental variations. Their strong-willed and stubborn nature leads to clash and defiance.

6. Imitation

Toddlers learn by imitation and may learn defiance and rebellious acts from older siblings, friends, and even parents. If they witness defiance around them, they’ll pick up such behaviors very easily.

7. Means of Attention-Seeking

Toddlers engage in defiance because they want to feel heard, noticed, and accepted by parents. It may be a form of attention-seeking behavior also.

Is Defiant Behavior a Phase?

Yes, defiance and argumentative nature of toddlers is often momentary. It’s a passing developmental phase that most toddlers outgrow as they age. Research studies have shown that defiance in toddlers may start as early as 17 months, peaks in terrible twos and persists thereafter if measures are not taken (3).

As toddlers mature, they learn appropriate ways of behavior. They even realize the expectations of their parents. Moreover, their communication develops and they are able to express their needs, wants, likes, and dislikes verbally. As a result, defiance behavior decreases. Similarly, toddlers’ emotional control develops and they know their boundaries well. 

When Should You be Concerned About Toddler’s Defiant Behavior?

Defiance behavior in toddlers is not to be worried about unless it disrupts their day to day life. Moreover, if defiance is coupled with temper tantrums, screaming, and hostility, it needs attention. As a parent, you can consult your regular pediatrician or a child psychologist to address the issues. Some of the red flags to note are as follows-

• When defiance behavior persists beyond the developmental stage
• If defiance leads to aggression and hostility towards others
• Defiance occurring across various situations and with many people around
• Constantly refuses to follow adult instructions
• Being revengeful towards siblings, friends, and even elders
• Always questions and breaks rules

Is it Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

Toddlers showing defiance from time to time does not mean that they are suffering from Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). However, chronic defiance coupled with extremes of aggression, disobedience, and hostility that persists for a long time can lead to ODD.

It goes beyond normal toddler defiance and involves signs such as arguing with adults, losing temper, and deliberately annoying them. Research studies have shown that ODD is a childhood disruptive behavior that not only involves defiance and rebellious attitude, but also aggressive attacks on others (4).

ODD also involves persistent anger, mood swings, irritability, and higher levels of emotional reactivity that are not present in day to day instances of toddler defiance (5).

Top 9 Tips on Dealing With Toddler’s Defiant Behavior

As a parent of a toddler, you shouldn’t expect them to listen to you all the time. Moreover, if you scream, shout or show your annoyance to them directly, chances are high that they will go on defying you with their ‘no’ response. Therefore, you need to be patient, smart, and polite while dealing with toddler defiance. Some of the tips that can help you are discussed here –

1. Say ‘No’ to Screaming or Spanking

The first thing that you need to do is to control your annoyance completely. Avoid hitting them or screaming at them. They will model your anger and will further show disobedience, maybe more intensely. Thus, be calm and avoid your aggressive ways fully.

2. Understand The Reasons of Defiance

Your toddler defies because they want to control you and their surrounding situation. Thus, try to know what’s bothering them, if you really want them to obey your requests. When you listen to their woes, they feel heard and supported and may comply with what is expected.

[Read: Why Is It Important To Listen To Your Child?]

3. Honest Communication

Your toddler is smart enough to understand what you want them to do. Thus, discuss the rules of the house with them along with the limitations. Make sure that you use polite words that encourage them to follow your requests.

4. Praise Their Positive Behaviors

You should always appreciate their good behavior by saying kind words, or offering them their favorite snacks. When they see you liking their code of conduct, they will be motivated to continue the same always.

5. Divert Attention to Something Else

Whenever you find your toddler showing constant defiance, try to redirect their focus on something else, so that they forget their defiant actions momentarily (6). In the meantime, offer them some alternatives such as shared playtime with you, or taking them out for outdoor sports etc.

6. Offer Them Choices

At times, your fussy toddler can be tamed easily by offering choices that are both attractive to them. It will make them feel controlled. For example – if your toddler resists having milk, you can offer them a banana milkshake or a chocolate oats cookie instead.

7. Have Consistent Discipline at Home

Stick to the rules and let them know the consequences also. All family members should follow the same discipline patterns so that the toddler knows what goes okay for everyone in the household. Inconsistent discipline confuses them and they may never give up defiance.

8. Model Good Conduct

Remember that your toddler is always watching you. Thus, you should never defy rules or show inappropriate actions in front of them. Always model good conduct and set an example for your little one to follow.

9. Ignore Slip Ups And Minor Defiant Actions

You can always ignore minor defiant actions in toddlers. It helps reduce defiance by avoiding reinforcing their negative actions, by teaching that defiance doesn’t attract attention from parents.

Should You Discipline a Defiant, Rebellious Toddler?

Yes, defiant and rebellious toddlers need support and guidance. Remember that they are too young to verbalize their needs, concerns, and emotional pains, if any. As a parent, they need your assistance to overcome the issues they are going through.

Therefore, you should discipline them with compassion and gentleness. With clear expectations, praise, and by setting boundaries, you can make your toddler realize the meaning of good conduct. The toddler learns and grows the best behaviors under your guidance.

Read Also: Top 10 Disturbing Toddler Behavior Problems

Risks of Ignoring Defiant Behavior in Toddlers

There are several risks associated with ignoring defiant behaviors in toddlers. Such as-

• Intensification to serious issues
• Poor social skills as other toddlers may not connect with them
• Improper relationships with siblings and cousins
• Ignoring defiance leads to reinforcing their bad behaviors
• Never follows boundaries at home and school
• Toddler may continue defiance along with aggressive actions, posing threat to others’ wellbeing

When to Seek Help?

If your toddler’s defiance is hampering their daily life, it’s important to seek guidance from a child psychologist. Moreover, if acts of defiance and rebellion affect friendships, academic performance, learning, or your relationship, it is best to seek help. An assessment by professionals can offer insights and coping strategies for your toddler’s behavior.

Defiance and rebellious behavior in toddlers is a common developmental phase, often signaling their need for freedom. While challenging for caregivers, these behaviors can be managed effectively through consistent discipline, positive reinforcement, and seeking professional guidance when needed.

FAQ’s

1. What Are The Potential Long-term Consequences of Not Addressing a Toddler’s Defiant Behavior?

There can be various potential long term consequences if defiance persists overtime. The toddler may develop oppositional defiant disorder, or suffer academic setbacks, strained relationships with peers and siblings.

2. Are There Any Age-appropriate Techniques For Disciplining a Defiant Toddler?

Yes, there are age-appropriate techniques that can discipline a defiant toddler. The common ones are giving praise when they behave well, or setting clear boundaries where the toddler knows the rules of home in advance. Sometimes, by diverting their attention to productive activities can also help in discipline.

3. How Not to Deal With a Defiant Toddler?

Yelling and physical punishments need to be avoided. Moreover, parents should not follow inconsistent rules at home. It may confuse the tiny tot. Avoiding communication with the toddler should not be the case as they may lose trust in parents and never comply with their requests.

4. How Long Does The Defiant Toddler Stage Last?

The defiant toddler stage may start as early as 18 months, peaks around 2 to 3 years. Moreover, it can last in early childhood, say age 4 to 5 years. However, this timeline varies for each child depending upon their temperament and upbringing.

References

1. Defiant Behavior During Infancy and Early Childhood – [https://www.researchgate.net/publication/304183713_Defiant_Behavior_During_Infancy_and_Early_Childhood#]
2. Emotion Regulation Difficulties in Boys with Oppositional Defiant Disorder/Conduct Disorder and the Relation with Comorbid Autism Traits and Attention Deficit Traits – [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4946778/]
3. Opposition-Defiance in the Second Year of Life: A Population-Based Cohort Study – [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32693514/]
4. Oppositional Defiant Disorder – [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK557443/]
5. Oppositional defiant disorder: current insight – [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5716335/]
6. Effective discipline for children – [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2719514/]