Getting married was perhaps the most exciting thing you did…until you had a baby. Having a baby and raising him will not only be the most exciting thing, it will also be the toughest thing you would ever do.
- Are You Always A ‘Mom’?
- Common Misconceptions Of A Mother Regarding Her Marriage
- 10 Tips For You To Be A Great Wife, While Being A Great Mother
Are You Always A ‘Mom’?
Whether you have one baby or more than one, whether you are a working mom or stay-at-home mom, whether you live in a joint family or nuclear family, whether you live in India or abroad, the children remain your top of the mind concern always. And it should be so as well. They are small, dependent and trust you blindly to take care of them. So shouldn’t they definitely take precedence over the grown man in the house who is perfectly able to take care of himself? Not necessarily and not always.
While countless friends, family members, well-wishers, books and online collateral prepare you to be a good wife before marriage and a good mother before motherhood, not many people talk about being a good wife after being a mother. In fact, not many even think about it as an issue that needs to be addressed. Which is very ironic, because while children need your attention now, they will eventually grow up and leave to pursue their future. Your life partner was/is – and will remain – your husband.
Want to be a great mom? Great idea. But at the cost of being a not-so-good wife? Not a good idea.
In this article, we try to bring out how you can strike a great balance between being a super-wife, without ignoring your duties as a mommy. But since, most of us are in denial that our marriages require any additional work, let us first examine the below:
Common Misconceptions Of A Mother Regarding Her Marriage
1. Being a mommy is the only thing that matters:
As women, we are lucky enough to adorn several hats in our lives – a daughter, a friend, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and so on. Being a mommy is definitely of utmost significance, but many of us forget that we are, a person first, and have many other roles, responsibilities and duties to cover. To be a great mommy, you need to have energy and focus, which can only happen when you have healthy, positive relationship with the rest of the family, especially your spouse. When we get a small bundle of joy all for ourselves, we tend to forget or reduce the significance of these other relations
2. Of course he understands why I have no time for him:
Your husband can see that you are working round the clock – you are running the house, you are taking care of the baby, you are doing the chores. Obviously, he knows this and he understands that you are left with no time for him? He probably did, initially. But as your baby grows, you might get used to the routine of running 24×7 behind the baby and chores, but your husband might start expecting you to be available for him as well
3. He should not complain; I am the one who should crib about him not help enough:
If your husband opens up and tells you frankly that you should focus on him too, you might go instantly defensive. You are doing so much and this man is saying you are not doing enough. Surely, it is the fault of your mother-in-law who has pampered her son to bits? Wrong, ladies. Your husband has every right to demand your time. You are his partner, life-partner, after all. It is not impractical or unfair of him to expect some private time between you two. Of course, we are not talking about finding his car keys while changing your baby’s nappies. We are talking about spending quality time together
4. I can worry about sex once the baby is bigger:
Chances are, you will just get used to not having sex at all! Your husband might be ready for sex sooner than you think – and again, it is not a sign of being a bad dad or an impractical spouse. It is a reasonable expectation and you need to deal with it by talking about it, or if you are ready, finding time to engage in it! Being cold about getting physical is in no one’s favor
5. I have no energy to fight with him now, so let it be:
Another mistake many of us do is to let go of fights just because we are distracted or have no time and energy to fight. More the topics you bury under the carpet without discussion, more it bottle up yours and his feelings. It would, then one day, burst out in a bad violent way
6. I have upped my game, why is he not willing to take more responsibility?
When you are being a super mom, seemingly doing everything, it is easy to demean the efforts of your spouse in this game. It might look like all he does is wake up, go to office, come back and sleep. You might be failing to notice the little-to-big things your husband is doing whenever he gets a chance. If your husband is also working round-the-clock, then when you crib about him not doing enough, it will make him frustrated, just like it would to you if someone says you are slacking
Now, we are not saying that YOU are solely responsible for making your marriage work. Your spouse needs to take as much, or more, efforts. You need to, too. So here they are:
10 Tips For You To Be A Great Wife, While Being A Great Mother
1. Find some time to rekindle the lost romance in your hectic schedules:
When you become a mommy, you have someone new in your life and bedroom whom you love. That does not mean you stop expressing your love to your husband. Engage in things that made you happy as a couple before the baby came along. Find some time every day, even if it is 5 minutes, to have a calm chat about non-baby things. Start dating again. Read more here: Top 10 Tips to Sneak Romance After A Baby
2. Treat him with respect:
Motherhood makes many of us scary humans. We are always at our wits’ end. We are mostly grumpy, angry, sad, confused, or irritated – and often a combination of all these. Since the child is still too small, it is easy to take it all out on your husband. It is easy to blame him for every small challenge you face. Do not be that nagging, unrealistic wife! Discuss with him your troubles. But do it calmly, without criticizing and pointing fingers
3. Support his work, ambition and vision:
Unlike before, you might not have as much time to talk about his aspirations and support his vision. Although you cannot commit yourself to his success at this juncture, you should definitely continue to motivate him to do things he loves. Remember to ask about his progress. Try to help him find time to follow his passion
4. Help him parent:
Unlike mommies, many fathers are not natural at parenting. If you think he is taking a back seat in parenting, then maybe it is because he might not know what to do or how to help. It might also be because you are trying to do everything by yourself giving him not many responsibilities as a parent. Whatever may be the case, here is a chance to work together as a team. So help him be a super-dad by teaching him simple tasks like changing nappies, feeding and bathing the child and giving him responsibilities he can carry out when he is around
5. Ask his priorities:
If you are frustrated by the amount of work you do in the household, talk to him and ask him what his priorities are. Does he need lunch to be packed every day? Can you manage with doing his laundry just once a week? Does he still need to socialize with friends frequently? Basically, find out his top 5 priorities and try to incorporate them in your daily lives. This will not only make his life easy, it will also show him you still care plenty!
6. Make him a priority:
Ok, we know you cannot do this every day. But occasionally, plan his favorite meal and eat with him. Wear something he likes. Give him a day’s break. Do things that you know will make him happy. And try to do this effortlessly. If you look like you are only with him in person, but you are in reality preoccupied about baby stuff, it would not do the trick
7. Discuss and deal with problems, don’t let go:
We already told you this is a very common mistake wives do. If you are troubled by something, discuss it. If you are unhappy with his behavior, discuss it. If you want him to do something, discuss it. You get the idea. Do not bury your problems under the hatchet. We are not asking you to quarrel. Instant anger will only make things worse. Calm down before you broach the issue and talk constructively, without making accusations.
8. Ask about his day. Empathize:
Remember how you both used to discuss and dissect your days when you meet in the evening? Feels like eons ago, right? Nowadays, the moment he comes home, you are just relieved that there are two extra pair of eyes and legs and hands to help you with the baby! This is no doubt true. But spend a few minutes to inquire about his day. He might be under pressure from work – talking to you might help him and give him an outside perspective. He might have had a small success in his work – he might want to share the happiness with you. Celebrate his victories and stand by him through his difficult times. Like you vowed to during your wedding
9. Rekindle your sex life:
For many mommies, sex is the last thing on the mind for a very long time. While you should take things slow, and do it only when you are physically and emotionally ready for it, you need to discuss the same with your spouse. Rather than saying no every day to him, talk about your concerns and discuss how to tackle them. Read more about this here: Has Your Sex Life Dropped After a Baby?
10. Work together in harmony:
Marriage is for life. Like a well conducted orchestra, both you and your husband need to play your parts well in harmony to be successful. For doing this, you need to clearly understand the new roles and responsibilities that you have as parent. Sit down, discuss and define these roles. Once you know clearly the parts you need to play and feel confident about the parts your spouse plays, your days will become clearer with fewer uncertainties. It will also make you guys a team!
So ladies, remember. Motherhood definitely is a God’s blessing – and you need to commit yourself fully to it – but not at the cost of your marriage. So go ahead, show some love and sneak in some romance.
We at www.beingtheparent.com wish you a happy married life, mommy!